And just like that...I'm back in it!

 Greetings!

It is great to be back here...a-ranting and a-raving like the good old days. Ah the good old days...when we could walk the streets without facial coverings, interact with friends and family with a hug and/or a kiss, and enjoy some "adult time" with a close friend...new or old.  But  those days seem to be far back in our rear view mirror. 

Please, if you haven't done so already, GET VACCINATED! It doesn't only protect you from the COVID-19 virus, it helps you to protect others as well. Be the example to those you care about who are apprehensive. I can tell you, the virus is a much better alternative to what this virus can do to you. 

And as always, my sincerest thanks for checking back in with us. You can look forward to more consistent postings, and some other options to get the word from me as I continue my journey being Fabat50 and beyond. 

So let us begin...

First, a thank you.

Over the last year, life has changed for many of us. No matter how we deny it, it is just a fact; our lives are changed. For better, or for worse. With change comes options, and that crosses over into most of our life’s aspects. One such test has been this blog. I have received feedback, both positive and negative. I won’t dwell too much on the negative, just to say this; when some individuals are in pain, they lash out and attempt to inflict as much pain as possible. Those wounds are real, and they cause concern, but they don’t silence. So, for those detractors who have chosen to express their personal dislike for reading the narratives of others without making rude, racist, or all-around disparaging comments, it is okay. I read, I hear, but the choice to not react…that is mine and mine alone. To offer a response is to open a dialog with an individual(s) that no matter what I say isn’t going to alter your opinion. You have deeply seeded issues that have little or nothing to do with me, and I recognize that. If you are using me and my written experiences to expel the negative and hateful thoughts your issues have caused, I am sorry. Sorry that you choose to channel that energy into a position behind a computer screen, where you could if taking the opportunity to do so, channel that vitriol into a message of your own.

We live in a country where freedom of speech is still part of our democratic system…for the time being at least. My views are considered selfish, defiant, delusional, anti-black, anti-gay, anti- anti…the digs have gone on and on. But on top of that have been comments that have made me come to the decision that this blog is worthwhile to some. To those individuals in particular I will say thank you. After my own personal struggles and issues over the past year, it encourages me to want to continue the dialog, and as such to reach those who are interested. My choices in discussion are now and will continue to be my own. However, I do welcome topics and suggestions that readers feel may be of interest. I still have a voice, and I will continue to use it.

Your choice to listen, is yours and yours alone.

*****

Ah, romance at sea!

I feel this is the right time to share something about myself that I haven’t before. While it may be a surprise to many, it shouldn’t be a complete shock. But it feels that this is the right time, to unburden myself once and for all. So here goes…

For several years, I have been involved in a love affair.

It is a fairly one sided one as my love has yet to be returned. I hate the word unrequited, because although my love hasn’t been returned in the traditional sense, I still feel that I get a lot out of this relationship. I laugh, I cry, I feel inspired, empowered, all consumed by this affair. It has gone on for quite some time, and I have no desire to see it come to an end. Even as those who would love to try to push this love aside and replace it with something else, I say no. But here’s the kicker; who do you suspect might have been the one who put me on the path for this long-time affair?

My mother.

Scandalized? I hope not, as there is nothing salacious about it. Everything has always been above board, and on my terms. But yes, my mom, many years ago, opened a door within me which laid the groundwork for this love affair. Recently, I revisited the instant that this love was planted and sprouted, so for that reason, I feel now is a good time to reveal to you all the other side. So, without further ado, the object of my affection in this love affair is…

Classic cinema.

Disappointed? I hope mot, because I feel as strongly about my love for classic movies as I could for any other type of relationship partner. I become so immersed in my love, that I often time lose track of other aspects of my life. But to understand, I must take you back to the origin of my love.

I wish I could pinpoint my actual age, but I don’t I just remember my mom sitting me down on a Sunday afternoon, and encouraging me to watch a film with her. Bear in mind, this was the era of commercial interruption in television; they had to pay the bills. And yes, it was initially a painful experience to endure. I hated the interruption, as the story began to get interesting, I was pulled away for an advertisement about some type of toilet tissue, or a new feminine care product, or a local spot featuring an overly bejeweled automotive dealer by the name “Dealin’ Doug” Moreland. But once that nonsense was over, it was back to the movie…

“An Affair to Remember” was the title of that film. It has long been my mom’s favorite movie, though the reason why I have never gotten. It doesn’t matter, because I remember that Sunday afternoon watching with her on our smallish television, her face rapt with pure happiness. As the title gives away, it is the story of a memorable and life changing crossing of a cruise ship from Europe back to the United States. I don’t want to give any spoilers, but I will say this; Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr are the starts who make you want to be a part of the story. Even as a spectator, it would have been magic to be on an Atlantic crossing in that time and witnessing first-hand the blossom of love, a real, true and palpable love between a man and a woman. Gender identities aside, one could even go as far as to see themselves in either role, as the reactions of Grant and Kerr could be expressed by any one of us in a similar situation.

For me, in that moment, I was transformed. No color, no socio-economic, no barriers at all seemed to be in place watching this Technicolor dream unfold. By the final scene, I was completely hooked; having run the emotional gamut to the ultimate happy ending…with a question mark.  Something, despite the clearly undying love of the two leads, there was a specter that hung between them, that could ultimately be their final undoing. But you never find out. The story ends with their embrace, a pair very much in love and convinced that anything could be handled by the pair.

After that, there was no looking back. I became obsessed with classic film. But that in itself isn’t the story here. Rather, it is the enjoyment, and the countless hours of pleasure, and the gratitude that I feel for my mom that she turned me onto this genre.

Recently, the cable channel Turner Classic Movies (oh how I LOVE them!!) showed this film…on another Sunday afternoon in fact. Despite my having seen the film countless times previously, I got sucked in once more. But this time, my emotional responses began almost after the opening credits. In short, tears flowed…and flowed…and flowed some more. I was a bit overwhelmed myself by how visceral my reaction. But then I was hit with a dose of reality that I could say was the cause of my reaction.

My mom.

I began to feel a tremendous sense of fear as I recall over the last year the occasions that it was uncertain if she would still be with us. For those not in the know, my mom contracted COVID-19 and was hospitalized for a time on two separate occasions, both of which didn’t guarantee she would again emerge alive. But due to hear tenacious spirit, she did. But in the instant that the film began to roll, I couldn’t help but this of what my life would be had she not. I don’t like to think of such things, but I can’t help doing so, especially in an uncertain time where a pandemic has begun to re-emerge on the horizon. Would I be able to watch this film again were she not here on this plane with us? Or would it be too sad, too devastating…

Me...at the end of movie

After the end of the film, I took a few moments to compose myself. In those minutes I thought about all the gifts that my mom has imparted to me over time.  And how my love of the classic film genre was one of the favorites. I will always to be grateful to her, for so many things that I will likely never address in this medium. However, I can say with the utmost certainty that I wouldn’t be the man I am were it not for my mother, and her insistence on my watching “An Affair to Remember” with her on that Sunday afternoon so many years ago. Does she know of her part in this affair? Probably not, but that’s okay. She does know it exists and seems to have no problem with it. For me, that is more than enough.

Thanks for reading, and until next time, remember this; "If you want to be happy, be."