Im baaacckk...the redux!

Greeting!

Well I can only assume that many of you have forgotten about my quest for a more “fab” me at 50, but for those of you who haven’t…I’m back baby! I appreciate the expressions of concern for my lack of posting, but this new year has not been without its challenges. But as I type this, I can assure you that things are on the up for this guy, which I will elaborate a bit more later in this post. For now, I want to address some of the concerns expressed by folks after my lack of posting.

Within the first weeks of this new year, I lost 3 very dear people in my life; two of them to suicide. Now, this is not going to be a tirade about suicide, or how losses make us stronger, or anything like that. It is just a statement of fact, and the facts are this; these three individuals are no longer on this plane with us. I am not going to share details on all of these individuals, and their importance in my life. That part is personal, just for me to know and cherish.

Am I sad? That would be the understatement of the year! Such profound loss is difficult always, but to come in “threes” as the old folks say can almost push you to the edge. Details of their deaths aren’t really important either, in this context at least. But I will talk about one that hit the hardest; my friend Thom. Suffice to say, his passing was especially tough to accept, as he reached out to me on the day of his suicide by phone, and I didn’t answer.

How many times have we all received a phone call, looked at the caller ID, and let it go to voicemail?

“Oh, I can call him/her back later.”

But sometimes later never comes.

After his memorial service, I had a complete “yard sale” of emotions with, of all people, the deceased mother. I had been carrying so much guilt over not answering that phone call, and while I had managed to keep the crying to a minimum during the service, after the tsunami of tears overtook me. And my friends mother, his dear, dear mother whom I have also had the pleasure of knowing for more than 30 years, took me in her arms, and whispered a simple 4 words in my ear…

“It wasn’t your fault.”

This was the “get out of jail free’ card I had been looking for! So much of my time is spent in the service of other people, but when someone close to me reach out at a time of apparent need and I didn’t answer, it was devastating. But to hear this sweet kind woman absolve me of what I saw as a personal crime against my deceased friend, I felt the weight of the world had been lifted. The insane amount of guilt I felt was replaced with a wave of compassion that I hadn’t felt since his passing. His mother helped me, with those simple words, understand that it was not my job to stop him from taking his own life. Even if I had answered that call there is no guarantee that our exchange would have changed the outcome he had planned for himself. He had already planned what he was going to do, and any conversation we might have had beforehand, no matter how inane or in depth, would not have tipped his hand to continue to live.

But getting back to the purpose of this blog; bettering oneself and empowering change. Thom’s death has spurred me to succeed more than ever. When I started talking about taking this journey, he was one of the first people to chime in and offer his love and support. That in itself will always be his “farewell” gift to me. And I will honor him by not wavering, and seeing that I go forward!

So, not that that’s been said, let’s talk about that journey. So Christmas came with the roar of a lion, and went with the meow of a kitten. In short, not a lot of excitement. The anticipation is always better than the outcome in my experience…not that there is anything wrong with that. The same can be said for the big 4-9…pretty quiet. Even the dreaded holiday weight gain didn’t happen. Before the Thanksgiving holiday I was weighing in at about 220. As I type this, I am sitting about 216.

Throw some grief in there, and your diet can fluctuate one way or the other. In my case, the fluctuation worked in my favor! But I don’t recommend the “grief diet” at all. I think the lack of holiday revelry, and learning to make smarter choices, are really paying off.  Now I am on the road, trying to keep that mindset, but temptation is at every turn.

Which leads me to where I am typing this from…Chicago Illinois baby! I am visiting that “toddling town” for the National LGBTQ Task Force’s annual Creating Change conference…and event that was held in Denver last year that I was privileged to be a part of the planning for. And over this past year I have also had the incredible privilege of serving on the Board of Directors of this amazing organization as well. This conference is truly food for the soul. I have seen so many folks that I met at last year’s event, although many don’t seem to recognize me. Apparently losing the weight of a chunky toddler and growing facial hair is almost like the Superman/Clark Kent thing. I love that! But just seeing so many faces, old and new, who are here to engage, learn, educate, share, be accepting of all, and generally be awesome does this weary heart good.

It’s being held at the Hilton Chicago, a behemoth of a hotel that has stood in this spot since 1927. To call this place massive is an understatement; and one time it boasted being one of the largest hotels in existence with 3000 rooms! It has been beautifully renovated over the years, and has a great staff of folks as well. So if you’re ever in the area, check them out…it would be worth a visit.

So I think I have rambled on enough now. I am committed to getting back into my regular weekly blog routine. But in the meantime, I want you all to do something for me…love yourself, and share that love with at least one other person. I’ve been in Chicago less than 24 hours, and I feel so much love it’s almost overwhelming. Now I have to get out there and share some in return. So look out Chi-town, here I come!

Hugs and love to you all!