What will my legacy be? Let's just get through today first, shall we?

So, as I posted on my Facebook page a feew days ago, I made a quick overnight trip to Phoenix for a job interview. After a whirlwind day of meetings, meetings and more meetings, I made the trek back home to find an email thanking me for my time, but they had decided to move forward with a different candidate. Yes, as you can imagine; profoundly bummed. This could be the reason why I can’t seem to fall asleep. I made a vow a while back that I was no longer going to use Facebook forum as my “armchair therapist,” but I just need to share a few thoughts and this blog post seemed a more appropriate place to "let loose."

First, this turning 50 thing has begun to catch up with me a bit I think. Not in the traditional sense of feeling in decline or on a spiral to oblivion (yes, someone wrote that to me after my birthday), or even a more understandable midlife crisis. My struggle is coming from perceptions of others. As many of you know, I have been working incredibly hard to improve mind and body over the last few years. But the one thing that I am having a rough time letting go of is my control over time. In my mind, I’m still a twenty-something go getter who felt I could leave a job because another would be waiting around the corner. At 50, that I a luxury I don’t have. A competitive market, and possessing a more specialized skill set make for a more challenging job search. I am not good idle, and that was the hope from moving from marketing and PR to a full time focus on nonprofit…well…harder than I had imagined. Add to that scenario that I am 50, attempting to bring my “specialized skills,” (the description used in my “buh bye” letter from today’s interviewer) which in itself puts me automatically in a higher income bracket based on my level of experience. In short, I know more than the average recent college grad, but too much to meet the salary suggested for the position.

So how do I effectively combat that?

Well, my headhunter suggested a deep edit of my resume to showcase my more “marketable skills” in a more favorable light. In short, to “dumb down” my experience.

Say what?

Now, I know you’re thinking that this post is all about my job search woes. And in a way, I guess it is; though not entirely. If you see it through to the end, I think this post will make a lot of sense. Okay? I continue…

So, was I disappointed to have been rejected even before my plane had touched down? Of course, who wouldn’t be? But it wasn’t for a loss of this potential amazing opportunity, more their exclusion of me and my potential contributions that could have an impact on the nonprofit’s scope of influence. Recently, a friend was explaining the expanse of our 15+ year acquaintanceship to a new acquaintance. He spoke with such passion about this man’s approach to his life, his friends, his community, the world! It was truly awe inspiring. At some point I lost track of the fact that he was speaking about me. As I thought over the truly kind dozen or so compliments to my demeanor and character he had shared, I counted less than half of those that I recognized as being based on any sort of reality.

Truth telling time kids; I am no saint. I have done things, hurt people, broken and bent rules to suit myself, on more than one occasion in this life. Now, I have not chosen this path as a lifestyle choice, I still must admit that despite all the pious virtues used by my friend to describe the man he perceived me to be, I am indeed, a perfectly imperfect human. It has been a struggle to accept this about myself, because while not an altogether terrible trait to have, in my “perfection or bust” mentality of self, it makes me flawed. So, heading into this unprepared and somewhat spontaneously sprung interview trip, I began to think about something I think every man over 50 has, or will soon think about.

What will my legacy be?

Per Merriam Webster, one of the definitions for the term legacy is something transmitted by or received from an ancestor or predecessor or from the past. Kind of a “la-dee-dah, pardon me while I play the grand piano” kind of definition in my opinion. In my dictionary, according to Hoyle, it means what kind of mark will you leave on this world after you depart it for the last time. I am an African American, cisgender, out gay man (no special meaning attached to the order given), and quite frankly I never thought I would get to even be 50! I was such an arrogant, self-absorbed, “twenty-something,” that to remember that Jeffery of 30 years ago literally leaves a poor taste in my mouth. More on that when I post my rant on the self-entitled of the millennial generation…you know who you are!

Do you ever wish you could have a conversation with your younger self? To help them avoid the trials, tribulations and potholes in your life that might have made the ride a bit smoother? Sure…we have all imagined such a conversation, provided you could get the younger you to not only show up for the appointment, but to glean the importance of the information you are sharing. But as far as I know, this is still just a fantasy; unless our new administration has found some way to harness the power of crock pots, toaster ovens and other small appliances into a makeshift, homemade, combination time machine/cloning device. While microwaves have taken up spying on us in our own homes, I don’t think the former has become a reality yet. So how do we still help cultivate our legacy?

I posted a few weeks back on Facebook about a memorial service I attended with a friend in Idaho Springs. The feeling of love in that space for the honoree, whom I never had the pleasure of meting, wasn’t just a feeling in the air. Rather, it was palpable; all the senses were aware of it, and made the experience even more rich and trans-formative because it was shared with each and every individual in the space. That my friends, is the ultimate legacy to leave behind. If when my time on Earth is through, and I can leave the people I have touch with even an iota of the love and adoration this man left on this small town, I think I could truly say my life was a success. No matter what causes you support or work on behalf of, no matter what level you reach in your career, to leave a legacy of love, in my opinion is the ultimate legacy to leave behind.

My dear, dear friend Jerrod Gaudian and his family have had a challenging couple of weeks, to say the least. The loss of his dear mother, Debby, came just days before his “big 4-0” birthday, and an equally special occasion was his proposal from his lovely longtime partner James on the heels of the big birthday. I stumble upon Jerrod’s YouTube channel a little while ago, and it was after watching his beautiful tribute after the passing of his mother, that inspired me to get out of bed and write this missive. Please watch the entire vide!, it may help you understand how to plot a legacy of your own as well.

Look, there has been much said about our brains, and the untapped capacity we have. While we have, roughly 90% of our brains flagged by an invisible sign reading “under construction,” the 10% we do have access to is truly one of the miracles of life. So, as I proceed on the path to the next 50 years of my life, I am going to stop “dumbing down” my accomplishments, and dwelling on the “what might have been” in my life. Instead, I am going to start an additional legacy stream, and continue to do my very best to leave this planet in a better state than I found it. Perhaps then, I can haunt a rocking memorial service after my passing, where the message is all about the love I left behind. Legacy…check!

BTW…if anyone has any job leads in the nonprofit sector, PLEASE reach out! Love to you all!