Fear and Loathing in Colorado...

Well, November 2^nd and I am already facing some concerns about this journey even before I have truly begun.

“Do I have it in me to do what it takes to reach my goals?

“Am I being a selfish prick for wanting to look better?”

“Are people going to laugh and ridicule me?”

“Am I just too damned old to be concerned about this?

I’ve never really been fearful of much in this life; not including heights, spiders, snakes, standing in water in shoes (long story), rollercoasters (which I am so over now) and the like. Fear was rarely in my vocabulary. And yet this new adventure is scaring the pants off me! Why?

Portrait of a crier..
and no it's not me! :)

I guess the biggest fear is failure. No one likes to fail, and I am no exception. But failure is always the potential outcome when embarking on something new. Failure doesn’t usually scare me, but in this instance it does. I think that’s one of the reasons why I chose to be somewhat public about this journey. I am a very private person, as most that know me are aware. I am a vault in that I can keep my thoughts and emotions well under wraps. Except when it comes to crying; I am a crier. I have mentioned this in social media before, and the praise and shaming I have received because of it. This morning was no exception; as I sat down to write this entry, I had a good long healthy cry…based on my fears.

I am a pretty strong fellow, and as a true Capricorn, stubborn as hell. This is a trait that has come in handy, but has also been a detriment…both professionally and personally. I have gotten much better over the last few years I think; becoming much more flexible. So that’s why I have such a struggle with the intersection of fear and failure. They are the proverbial tines in that fork in the road. As I embark on this journey, I have to find a way to clear the path of that 3^rd tine; success.

Yep...I baked that!

There is also a fear of succeeding. So let’s say, in a year, I have the physical image that I set out to create. Then what? Well, the easiest answer is how to maintain it; tools I hope I will have a better handle on after a year with Mr. Keizer! The key will be how to avoid falling back into old patterns and habits.  That’s a fear as well…I love cake! I love pie! I make amazing desserts, and I will continue to do so. And there will be times where I will slip, and eat something I know I shouldn’t…more than once. I just have to remember that I am not a bad guy got giving into my own selfish yearnings for a slice of my famous flourless chocolate cake (if you’ve tasted it, you know what I am talking about…if you haven’t, my condolences)!

I guess the gist of this entry is to just remind myself to not give in to the fear. I will stumble, fall, get up again, stumble again, get up again and all that, and that’s okay. I am making not just a lifestyle change, but a life change. That’s something that doesn’t scare me at all. So…let’s get on with it!